How to say "No" with Honor and Respect

How to say a Powerful “No” with Honor, Respect and Freedom

We are often faced with choices and put in situations where we end up doing things because we are supposed to or attending meetings or functions because we feel we should or are afraid that if we don’t, we will make others unhappy or they might feel bad. 

First, doing things because we are supposed to, should or are fearful of others reactions are not healthy motivations in us.  Nor do they lead to fruitfulness.  They come from a bondage to a religious spirit and to the law, rather than the Spirit of God who brings us freedom and the new covenant of grace.

So how do we say “no” to those things and the pressures others put on us to do or be what they want and expect us to be?

I’ve faced this in my life and in my organization a lot.  Its always been a weight on my shoulders.  My heart deeply desires to honor and respect my friends, colleagues, and organizational family.  I want to serve and bless others and really hate being a cause of others discouragement or pain.  I’d like to suggest some ways we can say “no” with honor, whether it be to our family, or friends, or leaders and colleagues. A way that we can live a lifestyle that is powerful and calls others to be powerful people who release others to live freely in God.

When faced with a request to attend something or participate in something that isn’t on your heart and isn’t your primary focus or calling, you could respond this way.

Thank you so much for all you are doing and the heart you have for this area.  Im really blessed by your life and leadership and passion to see God’s kingdom come here.  Im really excited about the things God is doing in and through my life too.

In regard to your request, would you be willing to release me to choose if I want to come to this or do this without any fear of whether or not you will agree with my decision?  In the spirit of our values, would you be willing to trust me to listen to God for myself, and weigh those things you’ve invited me to join in on, with the priorities God is giving me as I listen to Him about my life? I’d really like to be released by you to say yes or no to this without being afraid I will disappoint you if I don’t do what you want me to, or if God leads me another direction.  What do you think? I’d really like to be the kind of leader who gives people freedom to hear from God and do what He is saying and prioritize what He is asking them to prioritize.  I know you want to be that kind of leader too! 

If we are going to see abundant harvest and supernatural increase, we MUST move closer to being like Jesus and only doing what the Father is doing and only saying what the Father is saying.  We must break free from our bondage to the shoulds and supposed tos and walk in the freedom and lightness of only carrying the yoke He gives us, as He walks beside us making it light.  This action of saying no is the action of a powerful person who sets boundaries and doesn’t allow others to control them with guilt or manipulation.  We can do this with honor, kindness, humility and respect.

Some leaders will respond well to this and be blessed.  Some will react and get angry.  That is okay.  We are not responsible for their reactions, they are.  We are only responsible to be honorable, and faithful to the calling and directions of our Papa.  This is where we will see his blessing, anointing, and will walk with joy, freedom and see the dreams He has put in our hearts come true. And, this is how we will be a great blessing to our organization too!

Naked and vulnerable- with who? Circles of Access & Intimacy in a Leaders life

Circles of Influence, Intimacy and Access.  What does it mean to live an authentic, transparent life as a public figure in ministry?  Who do you share what with?  Is it appropriate for everyone to know the deep challenges you walk through?  Is it somehow false or wrong to “keep secrets” or not reveal the whole truth about a struggle you are facing?

How do we as public ministry figures maintain high integrity, guard against hypocrisy and keep the gap between "the real you" and "the image/projected you" narrow?

Authenticity and transparency are important hallmarks of humble and powerful leaders in the Kingdom.  It is out of the reality of our struggles,valleys and the victories fought and won there, that we speak with authority our life messages to others- whether before a crowd or in a one on one mentoring time.

What has helped me a lot in this area has been understanding the concept of circles of intimacy and access.  The greatest intimacy and access to our heart, thoughts, emotions and truest feelings, the person in the most inner circle of our lives, the core, is our Lord.  Having an authentic, open, real relationship with him, where we feel free to tell him exactly what we think, feel and are experiencing, and to listen to His voice in that place, to cry on his shoulder, and receive his comfort... this is the place of greatest “nakedness” in our lives.  No one should have greater access to our hearts and our deepest “secrets” than Him. We meet with Him in that place of absolute honesty, naked and without shame, in our very worst and very best of times. Only Jesus is worthy of this level of access and only He can provide for us the level of unconditional love and acceptance needed for this kind of “exposure.”

The next circle out includes best friends or a spouse.  This person knows what is happening in our lives and we chose to be real and honest and “emotionally naked” before them, sharing the reality of our life and current struggles with sin, with God, with people, even with ourselves.  This is a place of great privilege, deep intimacy, trust and openness.  Sometimes a counselor walking with us in a crisis, may be given this level of trust as well.  These people have greater access too.  They are the ones who can walk into our office without an appointment, who we take time to communicate with on a daily basis, etc.

The next circle is a place for family or the closest of both mentors and disciples.  Again, we give greater access and information to them and we expect a higher level of communication, reciprocity in relationship, and we are willing to invest highly here. We share deeply who we are and what we are going through as well as giving them the same opportunity to do so with us. 

Family members and those you work with on a regular basis may be included in the circle mentioned above or they may not.  This depends on the relationship, commitment and primarily on the level of trust and reciprocity you experience.  When trust is broken, you may decide to remove someone from the inner circle and they may no longer have the privilege of the same access and intimacy they once were given.

The circles continue outward, with lessening levels of access, intimacy and information until it reaches the circle of the public you speak to in crowds, and finally to the level of strangers or even “enemies” or those who oppose what you stand for and are striving for.  With those in the outer circles, you are still real, honest and authentic, but you are selective in the level of exposure of yourself and more guarded in what you feel is appropriate to share with them.  This is part of what Jesus spoke of when he said to be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves. 

It is critical in the lives of leaders that we work hard to stay authentic, open and real and to have people in those inner circles of access and intimacy- places where we are able to share our deepest pain and struggles.  And it is critical, yes, essential, that in our walk with God, we reach and maintain a level of intimacy and access with him where we can be absolutely naked and without shame before the God who loves us with a love that no human being can replicate or replace. 

But we do not need to feel guilty, or “false”, when we deny access to information about ourselves, or do not share the details of our lives with those in the outer circles.  It is as unwise to share too much with those people as it is to walk naked through the streets. You are opening yourself to abuse and problems if you strip yourself before them.  Its okay, and it is prudent, to be wise.  It is also necessary to deny free access of your time and energy to those in outer circles.  Though you may love them and care about their needs and issues, if time and energy flows to the outer circles, it will be taken away from those who you need to give to.  Time and energy are limited resources.  Never feel bad about saying “I don’t have time or energy right now, I’ll check my calendar and get back to you” with those who are not in your inner circles.  Even, in crisis situations, we can not let them intrude into our lives in a way that robs those who deserve our time, attention and energy from getting what they need and deserve from us.  When we do so, we will pay a price and the quality of intimacy and relationship with God and those closest to us will suffer. 

I wrote this, particularly to answer a question that came from my son.  "Why, mom, do you sometimes ask me not to share things you’ve said with others? I don’t like keeping secrets."  It’s a fair question.  Its all about access, intimacy and levels of exposure to those we’ve given that privilege to.  My children are in a closer circle than many others.  They pay a price for this in having to be cautious in what they say and share about with others.  They bear a responsibility that comes with high levels of trust being given to them.  My son is only 17.  I need to be careful not to give him more than he can bear.  At the same time, as I share deeply with him, he has a opportunity to grow and learn what many of his peers do not.  He has an opportunity for intimacy with me as his mom, and that is a gift I'm offering him.  How he treats that gift will determine what circle of intimacy and access he will be granted and we will enjoy together.

Often our kids have thanked us for being willing to be open and real with them about our challenges and our struggles.  What they are really thanking us for is trusting them with intimacy.  Its in the most intimate circles of relationship that deep discipleship happens, both in our lives and those we influence.

 

Source of image above: http://sheridanrichards.com/this-theme-of-intimacy/

Be careful, be wise, be vulnerable, pursue intimate and real relationships.  Keep secrets. Share secrets.  Be real.  Be authentic.  Be discerning.

Manage and regulate your energy and time and give it most to those who have earned that place and where you know the investments you make will bring great returns.  You’ll find as you do this your overall circles of influence will widen and many will be touched and changed by who you are and the impact you have.

Short term teams and a Culture of Honor

Short term missions trips.  They've certainly become a popular thing to do.  They can be life changing experiences for sure!  On short term trips, when we are out of our own context, we often have opportunities to do things we struggle to do back home...like preach in the street boldly, share the gospel, love the poor, demonstrate servant hood and generosity.  These experiences done in the context of the high level community a short term team usually has with one another, often brings true life change and transformation. For those who go.  But what about the aftermath of their visit? Are these trips truly a blessing for the hosts?  Or are they something long term people or local hosts feel obligated to do in order to receive ongoing financial support for their work? 

It is vital that we not approach short term missions with an attitude of "What is in it for me?" Dare I ask you that question? "What IS in it for you?"  Are you going on this trip because you want to feel good about yourself, feel like you did something humanitarian and noble in the midst of your materialistic lifestyle?  Is it because when out of your context, you are more bold than at home and you want to go home with a story of some crazy and amazing way God worked through you?  We need to examine our heart motivations prior to short term trips. It is also crucial that we not see ourselves through ethnocentric glasses, or from a perspective of superiority to the local people.  See my friend Jean Johnson's book for more on this http://www.amazon.com/Are-Not-Hero-Missionarys-Dependency/dp/1937756459. Sometimes I wonder what might be different if short term teams took time to consider what a "Culture of Honor" looks like in how they interact with local people, be they the national hosts, or those they desire to reach or touch with Christ's love.

A recent film that is being widely promoted in some circles showed a short term team going into a very important religious site, playing a guitar and singing a song against the advice of the local hosts.  This film depicts this action as bold, courageous, an action of faith and risk and seems to imply that this is what is really needed on missions trips to see God's Kingdom Advance.  Sadly, this action while indeed bold (and many would say unwise and very dishonoring to those of Hindu faith) may not result in positive fruit or impact but may actually create walls and barriers in the hearts of Hindus toward Christians, and consequently affect their openness to the gospel.

What does it mean to live out a Culture of Honor on a short term missions trip?  Let me give you a few of my thoughts for your consideration.

1. First, it means honoring and showing respect for the local people who are hosting you and listening to their advice and input about what is safe and wise to attempt to do.  While there may be things you feel the Holy Spirit is leading you to do, or things you think would be "really awesome and incredible" to do, be very careful not to let your love for crazy adventure cause you to put your local hosts in danger by your unwise actions.  Remember that most local people are in a lower "power position" than you are. (See Sarah Lanier's book for more on this;http://www.amazon.com/Foreign-Familiar-Understanding-Climate-Cultures-ebook/dp/B0040JHQVS/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412874547&sr=1-2&keywords=Sarah+Lanier) Due to your wealth and education and the fact that you are their guest,  it is difficult for them to tell you a contradictory opinion and especially hard for them to say to you "no, please don't do that." This puts the full responsibility on you to honor them by really seeking for them to share their honest and experienced opinions with you rather than discounting them as foolish and faithless.  Remember that your reckless actions could lead to long term persecution for them as well as long term set backs in a ministry they have worked for years to establish. You are there to serve them, come alongside them, and learn from them. 

If for some reason you really feel the Holy Spirit is leading you to do something they don't seem excited about, pray about it with them and submit it to them.  Then trust the Holy Spirit to confirm that in their hearts and give them the same level of conviction and boldness he has given you.  Let them own the decision and be part of it.  Then, if there is backlash in persecution or spiritual warfare after you leave, they will have the grace and be prepared for it because they too heard from God that this was His leading.  This is living out a Culture of Honor and respect for your local hosts.

2. Second, show sensitivity and honor to the culture and religious sentiments of those you are attempting to reach or impact.  Many devout Hindus, Buddhists and Muslims are very sincere in their efforts to do what is right and to please god.  These cultures highly value respect for religious sites and religious leaders.  Be very careful to honor this and not desecrate their religious sites, causing unnecessary offense.  Singing praise Jesus songs on the top of religious monuments or inner sanctums, does not open the hearts of those from other faiths.  Instead, show respect for their beliefs and efforts to live in accordance with the religious truths they have been taught.  Recognize them as God fearers and start where they are at.  Engage in a dialogue about your faiths and show genuine interest in what they believe and why, rather than condemning it. Ask them key questions rather than tell them why your religion is better than theirs. (See Any 3 book by Mike Shipman for an excellent resource on how to use questions in your evangelism approach. http://www.amazon.com/Any-3-Anyone-Anywhere-Anytime-Muslims-ebook/dp/B00BAZ1HEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412874871&sr=1-1&keywords=Any+3 )

This will lead to open hearts and they will also be more than willing to hear what you have to share and about your amazing journey of life with Jesus.  Honor doesn't trample on other's sentiments and the things they hold dear.  Honor recognizes the good in them and their pursuit of god in the ways they have been taught up until now, and journeys alongside of them.  When they see the genuine connection between God and you, genuine godliness of character and attitudes, the power of God's love flowing through you as you interact with them, and as you boldly share the simple gospel message of His love, you will be amazed at the deep impact you make.

I recently (just last week) listened to the story of a formerly Hindu friend who came from a very devout family.  He now follows Jesus.  He shared the story of how deeply impacted he was by the humility and servant leadership of one of his professors in university who was a Jesus follower. This man shared his story with tears welling up in his eyes.  In his home country, he had never seen a professor treat a student with such love and humility.  This made his heart ripe for the message this man shared.  Honor opened the door to his heart.

Jesus had a lot of negative and pretty biting remarks to make toward the Judaizers and Pharisees (the religious leaders of his own faith and culture).  But to the lost and to those outside his Jewish community, he was kind and respectful. He asked questions and share simple truth.  Lets follow His example when we cross cultural barriers hoping to be a blessing.  Honor your local hosts.  Honor those you came to bless and touch.  Don't do things that are so clearly a trampling of their precious religious sentiments and feelings and then expect them to want to hear your message.  And if by chance God's Spirit truly leads you to do something really unusual and potentially upsetting to the local people, clear it through your hosts first and get their buy in and full blessing.  This kind of honor will lend toward a fruitful and effective trip where you will be welcomed back and will leave with many bridges built rather than burnt. You may even catalyze a movement or a true revival.  The extra blessing will be the impact on your own life of the lessons learned through honoring your hosts and the local people. This will be with you forever.

 

Essential Elements: Integrity & Purpose

Am I a person of integrity with a clear and focused purpose?  What does that mean? Why is it important?  These questions run through my mind today.

I believe these two characteristics are absolutely crucial in the lives of Christian leaders, especially those who feel called them to see supernatural growth, fruit and fast growing movements of Kingdom Disciples.

This month, I'd like us to explore these two things briefly as we pray and intercede for a Supernatural Increase in the Harvest.

Integrity. One encyclopedia describes integrity as "consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and morals."*  Integrity can be seen as the opposite of hypocrisy.  In other words, as people of integrity, we do what we say. We can be counted on to be honest with ourselves and others.  Jesus spoke about letting our yes be yes, and our no be no.  Mean what you say.  Put into action what you commit to.  Be faithful.  Be dependable. Be committed to be the person you say you are. 

Lack of integrity causes many problems in our lives.  When the real you and the person you project yourself to be don't match, you feel an inner tension and your conscience bothers you.  That is true unless this has happened so much that you don't notice it anymore.  Others who notice this difference between your words and actions will eventually become sad and disillusioned with your message.

When we preach and teach the Kingdom, at the same time we MUST continue to passionately pursue what it means to live the Kingdom in our thoughts, actions, marriages, teams, and community.  Are we preaching the Kingdom but settling for living something else?  That lacks internal integrity.  Don't settle.  Pursue.  You might not be there yet, but don't allow yourself to become comfortable with any thing short of living out what you are preaching about.  This will lead to high Kingdom impact in the lives of those you mentor, disciple, teach and lead.  What will you multiply in your disciples?  Kingdom lifestyles that reflect who He is as the Prince of Peace, Father of Love, Compassion, Forgiveness, Giver of Life,  who is always at Rest yet always working? Again, let me exhort you.  Don't settle. Pursue integrity in Kingdom living.

Lets also briefly look at clear focus and purpose and why that is important for those who would see Kingdom movements released.  Distractions.  They are constant and continual.  Every day, many times each day, we are faced with decisions about where we will invest our time, energy, and other resources.  In order to see a movement happen, a leader must be single minded in purpose and sure of what it is they are going after.  Clearly defined purpose gives us the freedom to say no to the hundreds of distractions that would pull us away from what we most want to do and most want to see happen in the Kingdom. 

James Chapter One speaks of double minded people having divided loyalties. It says that they are unstable in everything they do.  How focused are you on the End Vision God has placed in your heart?  You can measure your level of focus by how often you say no to things that are not in line with that purpose and goal.  I believe God would ask us as FM church planters, and Christian leaders to rise to a new level of passionate commitment to the purpose for which we are called...to a level of clarity of purpose where we no longer feel guilty saying no to other things that would distract us.  Even when they are good things. And even when others we love and respect may not understand our "no". 

This month as we pray for ourselves, our co-workers, friends and colleagues who are pursuing Kingdom growth and Supernatural increase...focus on these two words.  Integrity and Purpose.  May God lift us to a new place in these areas as we seek His help and transformation.




*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrity